surviving loss, Uncategorized

My September Confession

September is here and it is oh so Bittersweet.

I’m not going to lie and say I’m feeling 100% but I’m getting there. I try to push these painful memories aside but as we get closer and closer to the one year mark of when I went into preterm labor, it’s kind of hard not get emotional..

I know the hope we have is real and is so close but the painful memories that come to mind right now as I write this are just as real. So many what if’s. So many whys… and quite a few tears…

Thinking back to when I found out I was pregnant with twins I was terrified. I wanted to be so happy but I was scared for some reason. I felt it was too good to be true. They do run in my family but still…Then, right up until a month before I went into pre term labor, I felt truly happy and excited. Then they arrive way too early and all this happens…

We were on our way to the meeting and I had my husband take this pic of me carrying my girls.

Some would think “why are you sharing this? Why are you posting this?” I am sharing this because I find it really is therapeutic. Things like this are not talked about enough for healing. Some do better not saying anything but the pain manifests itself in other ways through actions and decisions at a later time.. I’ve tried that.. then negative thinking started to creep up on me.. wondering why I haven’t heard from certain ones I thought were my friends and wondered if we even were friends in the first place. That affected me emotionally to the point where I had to really pray about it and research how to get these feelings outside of my head. Once I did all that, I reflected on all that Jehovah has done for me and friendships that have genuinely formed through all this. And I even wrote another very important reminder on a post it note and stuck it on my bathroom mirror saying “Never Forget Who has been there for your family ALWAYS!!! Jehovah!!!”. Doing that changed my whole outlook and over time I felt so much better.

I don’t want that kind of thinking to come again so I try really hard to eliminate it. I’m so happy I took action when I did. Sharing all this helps in so many ways…

September will be hard for me but I’m working through it y’all !!!

A friend very recently asked me how I’m dealing with the loss of my other twin Madison now that some time has passed. My answer was I think about her everyday. Sometimes I cry but I think about the condition she was in when she was born. She would have had no real quality of life if she managed to survive. I wouldn’t have been able to bear that. So really when I think about her I think about how I will see her again in perfect form in a perfect world. That is all I can do right now. Our reunion is “Just Around the Corner”!!!! Oh I can’t wait!!!

Painting made for us by an amazing sister who is a phenomenal artist. Check her out on Instagram. Tell her I sent you πŸ™‚

What gets you through the hard times dealing with a loss of a loved one? Doesn’t have to be the loss of a child but please share what you have done to stay strong.

Please share this blog post with your friends so we can get a conversation going on surviving loss and working hard to push forward. It truly is a conversation that needs to be had.

3 thoughts on “My September Confession”

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